Marriage is work?

Does marriage equal work? So, I used to be a hopeless romantic. I dreamt of a relationship where I am adored, and I get all the attention I need. I dreamt of being complimented and loved every day. Now this was when I was really young. In my young adult life, when my mom and dad got divorced, I vowed not to make the same mistake, I would never get married. I got engaged but broke off the engagement before the wedding. Marriage felt like a death trap to me.

It might have been because I was engaged to a NG reverend to be, whose mom told me to start thinking about how I dress as I would soon be a “mother of a congregation”. In addition, I had to start taking organ lessons to at least be able to contribute to the church (it was a known fact that my cooking skills were lacking, so I would probably not be a great contributor at the bazaar).  Whatever the reason was, I ran for my life.

Single Mindedly Single

Just there and then I resigned from my “mother of the congregation” future. I wanted to first have my own design business, car and house and then I would maybe marry. I asked him to wait, but he could not. I became an ambitious businesswoman with little time for love and dating. My friends got married, and I was slightly worried but assured myself that married life was not for me. I chose freedom.

Married Life

Well life is interesting, and I finally got married at the late age of 36 at our own venue. We were both committed to single life, but somehow found each other. It was tough, we had 2 small kids, a mortgage and a rundown venue that needed fixing.

Marriage is tough, we are very different people, I am a creative with the natural messiness that goes with that, and he is a perfectionist with a highly organized mathematics brain.

We have been married 8 years now. Marriage is hard work, very hard work. I cannot change my husband, but I can change myself. I had to learn to become more organized, care more about cleaning, worry about time and bills and give up my strong urge to be independent. My husband changed many of his behaviors as well, but he is still without any decency filters.

Yesterday he was in an especially bad mood and after I went to buy groceries, I got an earful. He just wanted me to know that my cooking is absolutely terrible (he used censored wording) and that I had to rather buy takeaways. Wow that hit me hard. I was at least trying I thought. I did not sign up for a lifetime of meals 3 times a day for 4 people who have vastly different tastes and no problem voicing their dislikes. He got the silent treatment, and no supper.

Unity and Humility

As the Lord works, I was sent a video today about marriage. The guy was addressing the issue of working on your marriage. He said that you have to work on everything that your partner finds problematic- even cooking. It was a lesson in humility once again. I remembered that my vision for my marriage was unity. And unity requires effort. My husband does not like working every day or paying bills, but he does it. I do not like cooking, but I can at least give it my best effort.

As I am somewhat reluctantly sentenced to life of cooking, I might as well get better at it. Instead of giving him the silent treatment and no breakfast, I made him coffee and breakfast, also I cooked a very delicious balanced meal from a cookbook for lunch and I just made pancakes. A bit of an ambitious start I think, but I will try to get better at cooking for the sake of our unity.

I remember that a pastor once said that the purpose of marriage is not there to make us happy, but to make us holy. This holiness business is hard, it breaks your pride and humbles you, but it is worth it. Put in the hard work, your love is worth it.

 

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